In control and loving it

*I posted this within my blog on Alopecia World but thought it would be good to share here too :)


4 months ago, I was in such a different place. My hair was dropping like crazy and I could no longer go out without any head covering. I was miserable and full of self-doubt and definitely not confident. I had just been laid off and admittedly a little afraid of getting back out into the workforce because of alopecia. I was worried and concerned. "How would I go to interviews?" "How would I take people looking at my wigs and wondering if it's my hair?" Such and similar questions permeated and consumed my mind. It was a horrible time.

I didn't really look. I kept in touch with my contacts in my old industry but didn't really start job searching. I convinced myself that something would turn up even though this industry was really quite small here in Singapore. The real reason that I didn't look was because I was afraid of venturing out. I was literally being held back by my hair. I went on a wonderful beach vacation in February and when I came back, I was still full of self-doubt and loathing. Really not helping myself get back into the game.

Then one day, after this huge meltdown with my boyfriend which was caused by me pushing him away because I felt he should be with someone more normal, I decided that it was enough. I didn't want this to control my life anymore. And I really didn't want to lose my boyfriend. I wanted to be in control. I googled, I searched and found Alopecia World where it was so comforting to find other women like myself. I didn't feel alone anymore. If she can do it, then so can I. I was inspired by all the beautiful and strong women on this site and decided I would also try to be supportive for others as well.

As the days went on, I started feeling positive, and happier. My boyfriend noticed a difference in my attitude. "You are so much happier and that makes me happy", he said to me out of the blue. That made me smile because I was really happy. For once, I felt in control. Aha, take that alopecia!

I started actively job searching in March, reevaluating my career direction and reformatted my resume and got down to business. I was focused and determined and nothing was going to stop me. I felt like me again. I started interviewing two weeks ago and then last Thursday I went in for an interview with a company I really wanted to work for. I felt confident and made the right connections. An hour after I left, I received an offer that I couldn't refuse.

I start work next week. And I couldn't be happier.

Yes, this is me now.

I've had Alopecia Areata on and off for the last 10 years. Always a patch or two that were easily covered up but not anymore.

What is Alopecia Areata? In a nutshell, it's an autoimmune disease that causes me to lose my hair in patches. In the last 6 mths, my hairs have dropped out at a crazy pace. Trust me, I went through a whole spectrum of emotions, sadness, anger, frustration, shame, etc. Why did it happen to me? Why? I felt alone and uncomfortable with who I was. Whenever I went out, I felt terribly self-conscious even though it was all in my head. Often times I'd find myself staring at ladies with beautiful thick hair, feeling inadequate, clinging on to age-old notions of my femininity being tied to my hair. I even felt like Danjel should be out with other girls because he could find much better! Imagine, how silly I was to attach such superficial values to our relationship?? Ridiculous. I know better now and thankfully he has been patient and understanding and loves me so very much.

I am happy to say that I am in much better place these days and it's no less due to the fact that I've joined a wonderful place on the web called Alopeciaworld. It's helped being in contact with other people with a similar condition and everyone has been so supportive. I watched a video of this really beautiful girl who had a party complete with champagne and strawberries to shave off her hair. This really inspired me to just do it, shave off my hair. I had been thinking of shaving my hair off for a while and Dan had offered to shave it off for me. I kept putting it off because there was that last bit of me that had to accept that. Accepting that I had this autoimmune condition and that even if my hair grew back, there's always that chance that it would fall out again.

I finally did it last Saturday. I stood in the shower stall as Dan shaved my hair off. It was unsettling at first to see all my hair drop off and I was afraid to look in the mirror. When I did, I felt so relieved because before, I had looked more sickly with just those silly few strands on my head. Now at least, being bald was a look. I felt better and healthier and no longer had to endure the sight of falling clumps of hair in the shower. One of the fears I had was that Dan wouldn't find me attractive anymore but he still does. He always has. He's been with me when I had more hair and seen me lose more and more hair. Each time, he's only always been wonderfully sweet and supportive, holding me when I cry and kissing me to tell me it's all going to be ok. He thinks I'm beautiful as I am even without my hair. He's kissed my shaved head and caresses it too when i'm just lying next to him. He's always gone out of his way to make me feel comfortable. He is the only person that I feel comfortable enough to be just the way I am.

I'm still pursuing treatment and I'm not giving up but I've accepted that this is part of me. And I don't know if I'll ever be brave to go out bald. I do know this though, I'm having a ton of fun with wigs now. I mean, how cool is it to be able to switch up your look on the go. They are fun fashion accessories and I take it as such. They are my hair now and I'm happy for it. I know that there will be days when I feel down but I'm going to keep going strong and face the future as I am. This is me now. And I'm ok with that.